I was not expecting this

Just so everyone understands, I have another blog post about Epiphany, but I will post that one later, I do not know when. Yesterday was a scare for me, truly a scare.

I had been woken up by my great-grandmother telling me we needed to get ready, my great-uncle who was put in SICU because he had a slight case of pneumonia was not able to breathe and was wanting us up there. I was a little shocked about this because I was told he was doing just fine, I was unsure was Granny or Darrell over-dramatism this whole ordeal.

After finally getting a hold of the nurse who was caring for him, she explained to me that he was having difficultly breathing and so they had to put on a large oxygen mask. The way it was explained to Granny was he was dying, which to an extent he might have (could still), but placing anxiety to my great-grandmother is not the right thing to do. We got to the SICU about 11am and when we went back there it was not what I was hoping to see.

I was crying, how could in just a matter of a few hours go from talking and a felt fine man to a laying corpse with a breathing tube down his throat. They told us that they had to do it because he was just not breathing correctly, short breathes and gasping for air. It scared me, to the same amount of fear as last year did, maybe even worst because last year I was prepared for him to look ghastly, but this time I was not expecting anything like this. I regretted instantly my intial thoughts when Granny told me that he was having a hard time breathing.

I stayed at the hospital literally until the last time for visiting hours and spoke to his nurse who took over for the nurse whom I did not like, she said that he has double pneumonia and maybe another virus in him right now, she explained it shocked a lot of them because just twenty-four hours ago they had him even sitting in a chair. They were unsure how it happened, but at that moment they wanted to prevent anything else happening to quicken or harm him. They were doing tests, but nothing could confirm what else he has going on inside.

One of the worst things for me yesterday was how much stress I was going through and it was not from Darrell, but from other family members. I guess it was presented to some of them that he was on his deathbed, well we don't know if he was or still is on his deathbed. I know I must be a charitable person, especially as a Christian is part of who I am, but there are times like these where I do not understand how those who never asked how he was or visited him or anything would somehow now what to come and see him if he is dying. My mother reminds me that some are not that close to the family member, but when it comes that time they don't want the regret. I am upset about that answer because if you regret already, then change it. But, of course saying that would be stupid of me, right?

I also will say this, thank you to my manager for understanding why I was calling off from work. I knew that I would not know what was going to happen, but I also knew that being at work when something could happen and Granny was alone at home, I knew in my heart that losing those four hours was what I needed to do, it was right for me to do that. No matter what anyone thinks.

Camille was there with me, she is my godmother and best friend, but also she is like my older sister, she is my Jane Bennett or Elinor Dashwood if you think about it. I am level headed, but sometimes with the worst news I need that older sister to be there for me, when no other family member understands. JR, my dearest fiance and one of the best friends (or he is really my Dearest Friend) was wanting to come up to SICU. I told him he did not need to come because I remember last time when Darrell was in the SICU (so does Camille because she experience this with us), and what a mess JR was in, not only was he anxious, but crying, upset, scared, all mixed in one. I did not want to put JR through that again. I love him so much, there were times I wished I would have asked him to come , but thought against it.

There is one thing I did do, that I was happy about. Because we were unsure if he (Darrell) would make it through the night (for which no phone call was made) and I knew he had been asking ever so often, Camille and I decided with permission by Granny to baptize Darrell. It was a tender moment when Camille and I were there.

He was not moving and really I thought he was unable to hear us, but when Camille  and I both mention that we were going to baptize him, he moved his eyebrows and I even felt him sqeeze my hand. Camille was the one who performed the baptism, to which as the Holy Water flowed upon his forehead, I sensed him relaxing, the stiffness that I experienced with him the last few times I came back to see him, seem to have melted away.

He raised his eyebrows, and even took a deep breathe, but the final thing he did after he was baptize was move his fingers, but not in an anxious way if you get my meaning. He was much more active after that beautiful moment, which the nurse herself said was a good thing.

I came home with Camille who stayed over because if something happened to him, there was a driver and a car right there for Granny. We mention to Granny all that happened and did tell her that we baptized him, she seem to be content and calm down when hearing that and said that was good, for it is in the Lord's Hands now.

One thing I needed which I know JR can admit I do need when I am very upset, stressed, and just feel like the world is crashing down, is to be held. I use to always cuddle with my grandmother, Jackie when she was alive and so for me it is natural to cuddle, Camille held me last night as a mother or sister would do. I needed it. Also Camille knew very well I needed something to make me laugh, but something calming to watch so she put on "Howl's Moving Castle" to which sooth me enough to fall asleep as she held me.

Throughout the night I would wake up and hope that the phone never rang, that he made it through the night, that he was fighting the pneumonia and he was winning. I prayed for that. I woke up finally and pretty much will quote Camille as she noticed I was awake, "No news is good news." She is right, but I do worry and I know that Granny and I will be back over to the SICU today.

In the end the morning began with me crying a little because of the stress and fear, but I did say prayers with Camille and I know that I am spiritually alright to go another round of the hospital, but I am physically and mentally drained from the stress that is caused by family and my allowing that stress to get to me.

Pray for my great-uncle and my great-grandmother.

God Bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP

20s Group: Year of Growing

As Camille summed it up yesterday about 20s Group, "the first year of the group was a year of learning, it is now a year and this is the year of growing". And personally I believe she is correct in this assumption. It has been close to a year since the group was founded and yes we are still small, we knew this was a learning process for all of us.

20s Group CORE team meeting went well, pretty much we focused on trying to outreach to other 20-something/Young Adult groups in the diocese, but also outreach in other ways, like contacting St. Gabriel's Catholic Radio 820AM and seeing if they could help us in our growth as a group.

With that being said we discussed that we must not try to get our PGC (Protect God's Children) done, that way we can volunteer and then interact with soon-to-be graduating High School Seniors and see if they would like to look into coming to some of the meetings. I think there will be interest, if we outreach.

Which to my joy I have started a little by contacting or really speaking to someone I know who is working for 820AM and hopefully with many prayers something will happen.

Another thing we did focus on was how we need as a group attain more long-term goals and not short-term. As our president stated, "I don't want anyone to get burned out." It is true we haven't really looked into long-term goals at all. I am hoping with some ideas I did send our President and another team member there will be some goals.

Please everyone keep the Saint Patrick's 20s Group in your prayers. Our Year of Growing begins....

Ms. Nikita, OP

What It Means...

While I was in the waiting room yesterday my mom and I decided to start looking up things about her side of the family tree, especially since my little sister is doing a 4-H project, my mom wants to help my little sister out with getting it started and further research on each person afterwards that Kiya will do on her own.

Really for me the family tree means a lot for me. It is something precious for me because I understand where I come from, why some family members act the way they do is from where their family is from or really their family history. Of course you will have those in the world, and that doesn't exclude my own family members who will constantly tell you it doesn't matter they are dead. My uncle Bill was like that yesterday and as I mention my patience was waning thin when he said that.

They are dead, but they are not at all, they are very much alive and it is not just because of my faith (for I believe that yes your body is gone, but the soul is ever alive and is either going through purification in Purgatory or in Heaven), but of one factor, that I live so they in turn live. Their hardships are not forgotten because I in turn am a result of all they went through to live how every many years ago.

Think about it for a second, if you are a Daughter of the Revolution is not true that means your family member risked his life so you could live in the New World as their own country, the United States of America? Yes, so you are the result of their trials. They live really and truly because of you.

Somehow, yes that song, "He Lives in You" from Lion King II comes into mind, but in a sense it is true. I found out that I am a Daughter of the Revolution not only on my Father's side, but also on my Mother's side. I found out that if I look deep enough I see where my family married into the Cherokee Nation. I am still looking and finding new things about my family, but in the end it is really learning NEW things about ME.

God Bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP

How I can screw up things so easily.

Darrell and his surgery went well, but there are other details I will not mention because I have no permission by Darrell or the family to discuss on my blog and that much I will respect for them.  I will say I was utterly stressed out. Much of it was probably due to the fact I had no sleep whatsoever, but to snap the way I did to even JR was not me, I allowed stress to overcome my emotions.

JR was thinking of my well-being which was maybe what I needed, but I did not view it as that, I viewed it as I was the one to be relied on and if not there for whole time what good would that do for Darrell or for that matter for Granny. When JR picked me up from the hospital after I saw Darrell in his room (which I was at the hospital for twelve hours in total) I vented, but felt that all I was doing was hurting JR, whom I consider the other whole of me.

JR did put logic in to how to help de-stress me, going to Holy Hour. Holy Hour I was trying to just clear my mind, how difficult that was really to do because all I really wanted was to cry aloud to Jesus and say, “Jesus, help me to have the confidence to suffer and in turn find inner peace.” I wrote a little in my journal, to which I was so stressed out I do not know what happened, but I caused JR to feel hurt or upset with me. I screwed up again I told Jesus, why can I not screw things up.

I was finally left alone and I cried as I looked at the altar. I softly cried because I knew one of the Friars was actually there and I did not want to bother them. (They are so busy with other things, actually) Finally, after a while I left where I kneeled took a solemn genuflect with another prayer for confidence and inner peace. I was found by JR, to who was trying console me in my sorrows. I wanted to not ruin his night, I wanted us to go into the 20s Group meeting that was being held in one of the parish rooms, but I knew I needed to calm down before I got in there.

JR did in fact go in the meeting without me as I went into the bathroom to calm down, cried a little more, but I knew I had to get to the meeting. I could not be by myself right now. As I finally made it to the meeting the only thing I can mention is there were two people to whom, I have tried to keep my patience with, but with how stressed I was, I knew I would have little patience or none at all. I stayed quiet for the most part, holding my Rosary, rubbing the beads. JR was a little disappointed because he wanted to help my mood and certainly he knew I would get quieter as these two people are around.

After the meeting, JR took me to Boston’s where the group was going to eat, JR who has classes and work the next day I told him to please go home so he could sleep. I know he needs to sleep. I know I selfishly wanted him there, but I was certainly not going to be selfish with him so close to graduation. He agreed (even though he did not really want to) and after a little chat and at least two kisses and a comforting hand I left the car.

Camille and her boyfriend, Trevor were trying their best to keep my mind off the whole day. Camille knew I was hungry and so she and Trevor shared a pizza with me. I stuck near them and would not sit anywhere else because I wanted to feel comfortable not uneasy and like I said since I was stressed out I did not want to lose it at Boston’s because two people, or really one person bug me and make me feel so darn uncomfortable.

Once we all left Boston’s Camille took me home. She allowed me to vent like JR did, and though I hate doing that to either one of them, they always make me vent or won’t let me go until I do. Camille is very much more than just a best friend, she is my Godmother and older sister, so when she held my hand like a mother would I knew she was trying comfort me all she could while driving. Both Camille and JR do so much for me and yet I screw things up with them because I am so emotional distraught a lot and especially this week.

I got home and made sure Granny was alright, to which she was. I called JR and we talked for a little bit and then literally after changing into my PJs and laying my head down I was out cold. I thank the Lord for that little answered prayer, I did not want to be staying up and thinking at that time. I know what I would do if I could not sleep, I would think down on myself and I did not want to do that. I wanted the day to end.

So this morning I woke up and was disappointed in myself for I forgot in my tired state to put my phone ringer on loud, and so I missed Camille’s early call to say prayers together. But, I did wake up in time to catch JR calling me. Though at first the conversation did not go how I would have liked, because he wanted to discuss the previous blog entry, because I mentioned something about Camille and I and our friendship.

He was worried and I guess you could say disappointed by me that I never opened up to him about this issue. I guess what I did not do with that blog entry was mention that it was in past tense. I would not want to go into that argument or really it was just a little dispute, but still it was not how I wanted to wake up after dreaming of him holding me as I cried out.

But, this little dispute ended after I explained it was in past tense. He and I then just talked, and that is what I needed really. I am happy to say that I will see him tonight because I do not have to go into work until 10pm. I need to see him before I go into work tonight. I really do. Another thing that is happening today is I know Granny and I (with my uncle Bill driving) are going to see Darrell at OSU Medical Center. I am hoping everything that was going on will be fixed and all will be well enough for him to want us to visit.

Right now that should be all, but I wanted to write even just a little of what was going on yesterday.

God bless,

Ms. Nikita, OP

Darrell's Surgery and Thoughts

Well today is the day and it is difficult to not worry about Uncle Darrell, because there are chances that anything could happen. I could not go to sleep for anything because why go to sleep, I would have to wake at four in the morning to help him get ready for today.

I listened to him cry as he began to get ready. He is so scared of dying and yet he wants this to be over so he can live. It is so difficult and yet how I can I not say I am scared as well for him. I was with him during registering in and going to his preparing room until pre-OP, it felt like a sense of relief and  a sense of fear, but I ran to Mary and began to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries.

As I prayed I began to reflect from yesterday what happened. Camille came over, which was a surprised after Sunday I thought, well I really don't know what I was thinking, other than I want this defensive wall to go away, I want the young vibrant woman that God created. I told Camille one time that I felt that my real self was a keep (Scottish castle) with many walls and instead being a home with a defense it became a fortress to kept from total elimination. I even said there is a moat even.

What I did not know is how much I hurt her in the end with allowing myself to go back to what I know, what I considered my safety. I did not know that it would cause her to cry on Monday, worried that she would be losing her best friend. It comes as a shock I thought I was losing her instead. How strange it is to think one thing when you in turn are hurting what you are trying to not be hurt by. Camille and I did speak and though it was not enough, it was a start. I pray that this is the start of the one resolutions. May I keep working at it.

As I was writing we were updated with my Uncle. I need to say my prayers now, but I will write later on.

God bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP

Once Upon A Time

As I stated in my last post, I have started watching "Once Upon A Time" on ABC (thanks to Hulu). I have to say that I am very picky with series. I value a good story and good characters. ABC had lost me after "Desperate Housewives" and a few others. But, I think they have redeem me to watching at least just one show.

"Once Upon A Time" has a great amount of character and a story to back it up. What a twist on fairy tales, I think they really give credit to actually fairy tales, not what political correct and close your children's eyes on the graphic gore of the stories. (I remember being read the real tales by the Grimm and etc. which were more gory than Disney) Of course I had to get mad that they took away the good looking man with the accent! I loved his accent and literally said, finally Emma will have some light into what her son has been trying to tell her. But, of course he has to die! (Sorry I am spoiling for others, but come on, how many people have not seen this series that did not want to)

I am actually hoping to watch this series more (which means Hulu is going to be my friend or DVRing is the next best thing, but it just means begging the Great-Uncle to not delete it) and maybe NCIS will not be the only show I really watch on television.

Is not funny that I watch shows from channels that I would only watch oh about what fifteen-twenty years ago? I am off to bed, finally, but wanted to write a post about the new series I will be watching. My friends Emily and Nikki will be please! :)

My Tuesday in a nutshell

I slept the whole day away pretty much, which is never good for me because then I will want to stay up all night and that never helps the sleeping pattern I need at the moment.

What I wanted to do today was work on a novel that I have been working on in my mind really, for the past three weeks. I have written maybe a paragraph or so of it, but that doesn't stop the hope I will actually finish this story. It might not be this year, but I hope to have a majority of done. I will keep everyone updated on the progress of this story on my writing blog that I have with deviant, but I might if I need to use a site that I know to post pieces or the whole thing on to get people's reactions, but I am unsure. Keep it in your prayers.

Another thing I wanted to do was read, I have new books in the collection and I would really like to read them.  My only hope is that I can read more than twelve books this year, because it would help reach my goal of beating my Daddy (will never happen, but can always hope). If anyone really wants to know, I am hoping to reach President John Adams, for he read close to 8,000 books in his lifetime. I really want to do the same or at least get close.

One more thing I wanted to do was call back my friend who called me while I was at work. I felt so bad that I could of gotten to talk to her and I wanted to call her, but of course I slept. Ah, hopefully before I go to work I will give her a ring.

A few hours ago JR and I had our date night which was a home-cooked meal, something JR found called, "Pepped Up Chicken". We tweaked it a little bit, but otherwise wonderfully good. We watched "State Fair" a 1945 movie that is one of my favorite Rodger and Hammerstein musical.

Now, I am right now watching episodes of "Once Upon A Time" on Hulu. I am finding it to be interesting, I am hoping to be up-to-date with this series. Too bad I cannot work at 10pm, so I can see this show more often.

God Bless,
Nikita