Old me gets the better of the new me....(December 17th Entry)

What does that subject title mean? Personally it is difficult to explain, but in the simplest terms the old me would constantly beat myself up emotionally and physically. I had it in my mind that I was not worthy of anything and that the only purpose of my life was to be used. That my needs were not worthy enough to be noticed. That old self could be considered chemical imbalance and experience of an abusive childhood.

Lately these past few weeks I have been beating myself up more often in the emotional sense, feeling the sense that I am selfish, when really I am just lonely. Personally, I know everyone has lives and would be rude of me to ask anyone including my future husband to drop everything to spend time with me, but that just makes me feel worst that I just do not have that ability timing things right.

There are other things that I have been beating myself for, that some people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me not having anyone to talk to. Also, feelings that I am not smart enough to hold a conversation on things (literature and etc.) and feel like I am constantly reminded of my stupidity. I know that many do not mean to do that to me.

Last night kind of took a turn for the worst I felt that I might of pushed my future husband to far, when I never mean to do that. I feared he wanted the ring back, that I was too much to handle anymore. He was upset that I would think that, but could you blame me, I was hurting him for something so stupid. In the end after getting off from work at 2am, I knew all was alright. It still bothered me that I did that to not only him, but myself.

This morning my Godmother and I were talking, for almost an hour about this issue. It scares her, but me as well that my old self seems to push through when I have come so far to being a better person. What can I do? Pray, it will take time, I know that, but one thing I know with talking to not only my Godmother and my fiance, I am determined to not keep this up.

Another thing is we are hoping this is a chemical imbalance and now that I finally got my meds filled hopefully this imbalance will be balanced and I will be in better terms with myself. But, I cannot dumb it down into just being in my brain, there is more to it.


Please pray for me and God Bless,
Nikita