I listened to him cry as he began to get ready. He is so scared of dying and yet he wants this to be over so he can live. It is so difficult and yet how I can I not say I am scared as well for him. I was with him during registering in and going to his preparing room until pre-OP, it felt like a sense of relief and a sense of fear, but I ran to Mary and began to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries.
As I prayed I began to reflect from yesterday what happened. Camille came over, which was a surprised after Sunday I thought, well I really don't know what I was thinking, other than I want this defensive wall to go away, I want the young vibrant woman that God created. I told Camille one time that I felt that my real self was a keep (Scottish castle) with many walls and instead being a home with a defense it became a fortress to kept from total elimination. I even said there is a moat even.
What I did not know is how much I hurt her in the end with allowing myself to go back to what I know, what I considered my safety. I did not know that it would cause her to cry on Monday, worried that she would be losing her best friend. It comes as a shock I thought I was losing her instead. How strange it is to think one thing when you in turn are hurting what you are trying to not be hurt by. Camille and I did speak and though it was not enough, it was a start. I pray that this is the start of the one resolutions. May I keep working at it.
As I was writing we were updated with my Uncle. I need to say my prayers now, but I will write later on.
God bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP
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