Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I was not expecting this

Just so everyone understands, I have another blog post about Epiphany, but I will post that one later, I do not know when. Yesterday was a scare for me, truly a scare.

I had been woken up by my great-grandmother telling me we needed to get ready, my great-uncle who was put in SICU because he had a slight case of pneumonia was not able to breathe and was wanting us up there. I was a little shocked about this because I was told he was doing just fine, I was unsure was Granny or Darrell over-dramatism this whole ordeal.

After finally getting a hold of the nurse who was caring for him, she explained to me that he was having difficultly breathing and so they had to put on a large oxygen mask. The way it was explained to Granny was he was dying, which to an extent he might have (could still), but placing anxiety to my great-grandmother is not the right thing to do. We got to the SICU about 11am and when we went back there it was not what I was hoping to see.

I was crying, how could in just a matter of a few hours go from talking and a felt fine man to a laying corpse with a breathing tube down his throat. They told us that they had to do it because he was just not breathing correctly, short breathes and gasping for air. It scared me, to the same amount of fear as last year did, maybe even worst because last year I was prepared for him to look ghastly, but this time I was not expecting anything like this. I regretted instantly my intial thoughts when Granny told me that he was having a hard time breathing.

I stayed at the hospital literally until the last time for visiting hours and spoke to his nurse who took over for the nurse whom I did not like, she said that he has double pneumonia and maybe another virus in him right now, she explained it shocked a lot of them because just twenty-four hours ago they had him even sitting in a chair. They were unsure how it happened, but at that moment they wanted to prevent anything else happening to quicken or harm him. They were doing tests, but nothing could confirm what else he has going on inside.

One of the worst things for me yesterday was how much stress I was going through and it was not from Darrell, but from other family members. I guess it was presented to some of them that he was on his deathbed, well we don't know if he was or still is on his deathbed. I know I must be a charitable person, especially as a Christian is part of who I am, but there are times like these where I do not understand how those who never asked how he was or visited him or anything would somehow now what to come and see him if he is dying. My mother reminds me that some are not that close to the family member, but when it comes that time they don't want the regret. I am upset about that answer because if you regret already, then change it. But, of course saying that would be stupid of me, right?

I also will say this, thank you to my manager for understanding why I was calling off from work. I knew that I would not know what was going to happen, but I also knew that being at work when something could happen and Granny was alone at home, I knew in my heart that losing those four hours was what I needed to do, it was right for me to do that. No matter what anyone thinks.

Camille was there with me, she is my godmother and best friend, but also she is like my older sister, she is my Jane Bennett or Elinor Dashwood if you think about it. I am level headed, but sometimes with the worst news I need that older sister to be there for me, when no other family member understands. JR, my dearest fiance and one of the best friends (or he is really my Dearest Friend) was wanting to come up to SICU. I told him he did not need to come because I remember last time when Darrell was in the SICU (so does Camille because she experience this with us), and what a mess JR was in, not only was he anxious, but crying, upset, scared, all mixed in one. I did not want to put JR through that again. I love him so much, there were times I wished I would have asked him to come , but thought against it.

There is one thing I did do, that I was happy about. Because we were unsure if he (Darrell) would make it through the night (for which no phone call was made) and I knew he had been asking ever so often, Camille and I decided with permission by Granny to baptize Darrell. It was a tender moment when Camille and I were there.

He was not moving and really I thought he was unable to hear us, but when Camille  and I both mention that we were going to baptize him, he moved his eyebrows and I even felt him sqeeze my hand. Camille was the one who performed the baptism, to which as the Holy Water flowed upon his forehead, I sensed him relaxing, the stiffness that I experienced with him the last few times I came back to see him, seem to have melted away.

He raised his eyebrows, and even took a deep breathe, but the final thing he did after he was baptize was move his fingers, but not in an anxious way if you get my meaning. He was much more active after that beautiful moment, which the nurse herself said was a good thing.

I came home with Camille who stayed over because if something happened to him, there was a driver and a car right there for Granny. We mention to Granny all that happened and did tell her that we baptized him, she seem to be content and calm down when hearing that and said that was good, for it is in the Lord's Hands now.

One thing I needed which I know JR can admit I do need when I am very upset, stressed, and just feel like the world is crashing down, is to be held. I use to always cuddle with my grandmother, Jackie when she was alive and so for me it is natural to cuddle, Camille held me last night as a mother or sister would do. I needed it. Also Camille knew very well I needed something to make me laugh, but something calming to watch so she put on "Howl's Moving Castle" to which sooth me enough to fall asleep as she held me.

Throughout the night I would wake up and hope that the phone never rang, that he made it through the night, that he was fighting the pneumonia and he was winning. I prayed for that. I woke up finally and pretty much will quote Camille as she noticed I was awake, "No news is good news." She is right, but I do worry and I know that Granny and I will be back over to the SICU today.

In the end the morning began with me crying a little because of the stress and fear, but I did say prayers with Camille and I know that I am spiritually alright to go another round of the hospital, but I am physically and mentally drained from the stress that is caused by family and my allowing that stress to get to me.

Pray for my great-uncle and my great-grandmother.

God Bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP

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