Friday, January 13, 2012

The Devil taunts you as you are vulnerable

For the past few days I have allowed my stress to take over my emotions, which I am so vulnerable and I snap so easily when that happens. Sometimes, I feel as Camille will confirm and many of the other readers of my blog, the devil taunts you while you are most vulnerable.

What I normally do when I am stressed is I try to dive into another activity. I am similar to my Daddy (who I consider a workaholic). But, sometimes I become too involve, such as noticing what could be changed with something, and many would get annoyed by my constant complaints. It is a fault I know I have and certainly that is what normally doesn't help me, but I somehow mentally do it anyways.

Many times I find myself thinking I am a burden to those who are around me and I will do everything in my power to push myself away from them. I did that early Wednesday morning until literally I feel after Holy Hour. I pushed most especially from Camille who I felt I was burdening the most with my venting. For she is staying at my house until Darrell is out of danger (pretty much until pneumonia is gone and he is out of ICU).

All of Wednesday I felt like I was going back to the way I was before I met Camille and that is not good, I never liked that "me" at all. I am trying so hard to break down walls and I am unconsciously building them, because I am so comfortable to that "me" that had to protect the weak and emotional Kita.

Another person who was hurt by this was my fiance, JR who just wants to make all things right for me. He wishes to be my hero, how badly I pushed him away, even though I was mentally telling myself, 'no, please I need him'. I wanted JR and Camille not push them away.

Yesterday, as a part of trying to getting better JR took me out to lunch and then we headed over to his house, his efforts, well the best he could and I feel I just kept pushing. It was good and bad experience of being away from the house. I finally saw my great-uncle at SICU, but I want to complain about one thing, I really dislike when VP or Presidents come into town, they make traffic suck when I want to get to the hospital. And of course poor JR had to deal with me. Lord, teach me patience. May only wish is that JR will forgive me. He seems to have, but I still hope he has.

My great-uncle has been opening his eyes, and even though he cannot talk because of the tubes, he is going baby steps forward and not backwards. I only saw him for almost forty-five minutes, but in those minutes I tell you I cried as much as he did. When he saw me he began to cry. I told him I was so sorry for being late. I held his hand the whole time. Before I officially left I did take JR back to see him. I felt bad I did not know that JR was in the waiting room for awhile as I back there.

We left the hospital and I was crying, or just plain depressed. JR was trying his best and what was bad I knew he was and I was embracing that my future HUSBAND was trying to comfort me. Oh how I hate how I allow myself to do stupid things.

JR and I arrived at St. Patrick's for Holy Hour. Though it was thirty minutes, it was thirty minutes of tears and clearing myself of who I was. As I was sitting there, I felt JR holding my hand and then Camille sat next to me (she was already there, but moved up to the front where I was) and she held my other. That is when I really cried because here I was trying to push people away, and these two were sticking by me. I looked up and as I stared at the Host in my tears I made a silent thank you.

One thing I will mention was when we began to sing "Holy God" hymn for the closing of Holy Hour, I allow my emotion to have my voice. Really I feel it was the Holy Spirit who was belting through the song. What I did not know was that Camille, Trevor (her boyfriend), and JR were stopping to listen to me. Trevor to whom I give him my up most thanks for being understandable tells JR that his girl (me) can really sing. I did not know what was said until afterwards in the car as we went to Tommy's Pizza.

God Bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP

1 comment:

J.R. said...

Dear that my future wife can sing is an UNDERSTATEMENT! Your voice sounds better than the top 10 angels in paradise COMBINED. Yes your voice is that good you sound better than God's finest. (If that sounds blasphemous, mea culpa)

With regard to forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. I know with 100% certainty that if I were in the same spot you were in yesterday, you'd do the EXACT same thing. I love you dear!