Friday, January 6, 2012

How I can screw up things so easily.

Darrell and his surgery went well, but there are other details I will not mention because I have no permission by Darrell or the family to discuss on my blog and that much I will respect for them.  I will say I was utterly stressed out. Much of it was probably due to the fact I had no sleep whatsoever, but to snap the way I did to even JR was not me, I allowed stress to overcome my emotions.

JR was thinking of my well-being which was maybe what I needed, but I did not view it as that, I viewed it as I was the one to be relied on and if not there for whole time what good would that do for Darrell or for that matter for Granny. When JR picked me up from the hospital after I saw Darrell in his room (which I was at the hospital for twelve hours in total) I vented, but felt that all I was doing was hurting JR, whom I consider the other whole of me.

JR did put logic in to how to help de-stress me, going to Holy Hour. Holy Hour I was trying to just clear my mind, how difficult that was really to do because all I really wanted was to cry aloud to Jesus and say, “Jesus, help me to have the confidence to suffer and in turn find inner peace.” I wrote a little in my journal, to which I was so stressed out I do not know what happened, but I caused JR to feel hurt or upset with me. I screwed up again I told Jesus, why can I not screw things up.

I was finally left alone and I cried as I looked at the altar. I softly cried because I knew one of the Friars was actually there and I did not want to bother them. (They are so busy with other things, actually) Finally, after a while I left where I kneeled took a solemn genuflect with another prayer for confidence and inner peace. I was found by JR, to who was trying console me in my sorrows. I wanted to not ruin his night, I wanted us to go into the 20s Group meeting that was being held in one of the parish rooms, but I knew I needed to calm down before I got in there.

JR did in fact go in the meeting without me as I went into the bathroom to calm down, cried a little more, but I knew I had to get to the meeting. I could not be by myself right now. As I finally made it to the meeting the only thing I can mention is there were two people to whom, I have tried to keep my patience with, but with how stressed I was, I knew I would have little patience or none at all. I stayed quiet for the most part, holding my Rosary, rubbing the beads. JR was a little disappointed because he wanted to help my mood and certainly he knew I would get quieter as these two people are around.

After the meeting, JR took me to Boston’s where the group was going to eat, JR who has classes and work the next day I told him to please go home so he could sleep. I know he needs to sleep. I know I selfishly wanted him there, but I was certainly not going to be selfish with him so close to graduation. He agreed (even though he did not really want to) and after a little chat and at least two kisses and a comforting hand I left the car.

Camille and her boyfriend, Trevor were trying their best to keep my mind off the whole day. Camille knew I was hungry and so she and Trevor shared a pizza with me. I stuck near them and would not sit anywhere else because I wanted to feel comfortable not uneasy and like I said since I was stressed out I did not want to lose it at Boston’s because two people, or really one person bug me and make me feel so darn uncomfortable.

Once we all left Boston’s Camille took me home. She allowed me to vent like JR did, and though I hate doing that to either one of them, they always make me vent or won’t let me go until I do. Camille is very much more than just a best friend, she is my Godmother and older sister, so when she held my hand like a mother would I knew she was trying comfort me all she could while driving. Both Camille and JR do so much for me and yet I screw things up with them because I am so emotional distraught a lot and especially this week.

I got home and made sure Granny was alright, to which she was. I called JR and we talked for a little bit and then literally after changing into my PJs and laying my head down I was out cold. I thank the Lord for that little answered prayer, I did not want to be staying up and thinking at that time. I know what I would do if I could not sleep, I would think down on myself and I did not want to do that. I wanted the day to end.

So this morning I woke up and was disappointed in myself for I forgot in my tired state to put my phone ringer on loud, and so I missed Camille’s early call to say prayers together. But, I did wake up in time to catch JR calling me. Though at first the conversation did not go how I would have liked, because he wanted to discuss the previous blog entry, because I mentioned something about Camille and I and our friendship.

He was worried and I guess you could say disappointed by me that I never opened up to him about this issue. I guess what I did not do with that blog entry was mention that it was in past tense. I would not want to go into that argument or really it was just a little dispute, but still it was not how I wanted to wake up after dreaming of him holding me as I cried out.

But, this little dispute ended after I explained it was in past tense. He and I then just talked, and that is what I needed really. I am happy to say that I will see him tonight because I do not have to go into work until 10pm. I need to see him before I go into work tonight. I really do. Another thing that is happening today is I know Granny and I (with my uncle Bill driving) are going to see Darrell at OSU Medical Center. I am hoping everything that was going on will be fixed and all will be well enough for him to want us to visit.
Right now that should be all, but I wanted to write even just a little of what was going on yesterday.

God bless,
Ms. Nikita, OP

1 comment:

Laura said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. I will pray for you. *hug*